This message deeply resonated with me. I used to be someone who complained more, but over the years I’ve trained my mind to shift toward action instead.
We’re all emotional beings, but I’ve noticed that getting stuck in complaining makes it easy to fall into an emotional trap and stay there much longer than we should before taking action. Those emotions can accumulate and compound over time.
Complaining together seems like an easy way to socialize and build common ground - maybe it works for brief chitchat. But when facing big decisions, important work choices, or daily challenges, frequent complaining just prevents us from moving forward with our lives more quickly.
I’ve made a specific effort to maintain a positive attitude and get out of complaint mode in favor of taking action. I heard a simple framework from design leadership at my company that I really like: “Accept it, change it, or leave it - but don’t get stuck in between.”
This approach has helped me channel energy that would have gone into complaining into actually solving problems and moving forward.
Thanks Yingying. Glad to know this resonated with you. I like how you describe channeling energy - I think in those terms even though I didn't use that language in this post.
I like that framework. A similiar one I know is "Lead or Follow."
Scott, your take on complaints remind me of Dale Carnegie's chapter on arguing: He said don't.
To me, my complaints are a signal to ask, "What can I do?"
In everyday life, I respect a person who answers the signal with, "I'll write to my congressman" or visits that office. I once took my representative an article from The Atlantic regarding causes of the widespread housing shortage, and he made photocopies so the article could be marked up and pondered.
When I was chairing big peer meetings at work, when someone "complained" then I would have that person agree to take responsibility for addressing the issue, to get back to us at the next meeting. That helped our meetings feel productive. I was very diplomatic!
As for your "ego trap" link, I can't resist saying that once, as I stood on a low stage at my Toastmasters club, I looked over my friendly fellow Toastmasters and said, "Thank you all for having a bit part in the movie about my life."
Disclaimer: as a Pole, I feel like I'm genetically primed to complain up to a point where I cannot *not* complain. :D
For me the key insight is in the answer to the following question:
"What purpose does a complaint serve?"
Sometimes, venting (and/or getting emotional support) is THE answer, and then complaining is a perfectly valid tactic.
As an example, I have a beef with how agile retrospectives are typically run (3 questions: what went well, what went wrong, what we want to improve). Why do we mix celebration, venting, and continuous improvement in one format? If the stated goal is the improvement, make it the focal point.
Having said that, I sometimes run or suggest running a retro focused on "what went wrong." It's when I believe the team needs a venting session to move on.
"Yes, that thing was crap. No, we don't want to repeat it, like, ever. Yes, we all saw it and we all experienced it. Good, it's done. We are survivors, aren't we?"
Especially when we touch a context that is temporal (and is or will eventually be behind us), that can help tremendously.
Very interesting, but may I offer something else rather than just three options?
I think there's something about focusing on what you can control... there are many variables in a business, specially a big corporate, and sometimes seeking power or becoming influential might take years... if you are willing to commit and be resilient and have a brick wall of a mindset, then I think it's possible....
But sometimes even if we are 100% self-aware it's still okay to complain, to find problems and that not all problems will come with solutions. So we have to complain to try to find solutions hehe We have to complain to show people that DON'T want to see that yes there is a problem right here.
On your example the PM recognizes the "signals" and suggests it will order food. There are PMs or senior stakeholders that pretend, or fail to see (even with good intentions) that the team is hungry. If no one complains or joke about it.... they won't eat. (and yes, I totally understand that all it takes is an engineer to stand up and go to a shop buy some food, which will send a message and potentially put them in the bucket of "seek power").
This message deeply resonated with me. I used to be someone who complained more, but over the years I’ve trained my mind to shift toward action instead.
We’re all emotional beings, but I’ve noticed that getting stuck in complaining makes it easy to fall into an emotional trap and stay there much longer than we should before taking action. Those emotions can accumulate and compound over time.
Complaining together seems like an easy way to socialize and build common ground - maybe it works for brief chitchat. But when facing big decisions, important work choices, or daily challenges, frequent complaining just prevents us from moving forward with our lives more quickly.
I’ve made a specific effort to maintain a positive attitude and get out of complaint mode in favor of taking action. I heard a simple framework from design leadership at my company that I really like: “Accept it, change it, or leave it - but don’t get stuck in between.”
This approach has helped me channel energy that would have gone into complaining into actually solving problems and moving forward.
Thanks Yingying. Glad to know this resonated with you. I like how you describe channeling energy - I think in those terms even though I didn't use that language in this post.
I like that framework. A similiar one I know is "Lead or Follow."
Scott, your take on complaints remind me of Dale Carnegie's chapter on arguing: He said don't.
To me, my complaints are a signal to ask, "What can I do?"
In everyday life, I respect a person who answers the signal with, "I'll write to my congressman" or visits that office. I once took my representative an article from The Atlantic regarding causes of the widespread housing shortage, and he made photocopies so the article could be marked up and pondered.
When I was chairing big peer meetings at work, when someone "complained" then I would have that person agree to take responsibility for addressing the issue, to get back to us at the next meeting. That helped our meetings feel productive. I was very diplomatic!
As for your "ego trap" link, I can't resist saying that once, as I stood on a low stage at my Toastmasters club, I looked over my friendly fellow Toastmasters and said, "Thank you all for having a bit part in the movie about my life."
Disclaimer: as a Pole, I feel like I'm genetically primed to complain up to a point where I cannot *not* complain. :D
For me the key insight is in the answer to the following question:
"What purpose does a complaint serve?"
Sometimes, venting (and/or getting emotional support) is THE answer, and then complaining is a perfectly valid tactic.
As an example, I have a beef with how agile retrospectives are typically run (3 questions: what went well, what went wrong, what we want to improve). Why do we mix celebration, venting, and continuous improvement in one format? If the stated goal is the improvement, make it the focal point.
Having said that, I sometimes run or suggest running a retro focused on "what went wrong." It's when I believe the team needs a venting session to move on.
"Yes, that thing was crap. No, we don't want to repeat it, like, ever. Yes, we all saw it and we all experienced it. Good, it's done. We are survivors, aren't we?"
Especially when we touch a context that is temporal (and is or will eventually be behind us), that can help tremendously.
Very interesting, but may I offer something else rather than just three options?
I think there's something about focusing on what you can control... there are many variables in a business, specially a big corporate, and sometimes seeking power or becoming influential might take years... if you are willing to commit and be resilient and have a brick wall of a mindset, then I think it's possible....
But sometimes even if we are 100% self-aware it's still okay to complain, to find problems and that not all problems will come with solutions. So we have to complain to try to find solutions hehe We have to complain to show people that DON'T want to see that yes there is a problem right here.
On your example the PM recognizes the "signals" and suggests it will order food. There are PMs or senior stakeholders that pretend, or fail to see (even with good intentions) that the team is hungry. If no one complains or joke about it.... they won't eat. (and yes, I totally understand that all it takes is an engineer to stand up and go to a shop buy some food, which will send a message and potentially put them in the bucket of "seek power").